Critiquing the Critics / Judging the Judges / Rating the Raters
Celebrity Review Review:
Kairi818’s lie-ridden review of Hollywood’s tiniest power couple repeatedly makes an ass out of u and me.
Full disclosure: I know almost nothing about Justin Bieber. I understand that he became famous for styling his hair like a lesbian stereotype, and that he decided to start recording music sometime after that. I am also aware that his movie was shot in 3-D because everyone knows that 2-D films are stupid.
But that, unfortunately, is where my knowledge of this teen sensation ends.
So when I first learned that Kairi818 had posted a YouTube video reviewing Bieber’s relationship with Selena Gomez, I saw it as a fortuitous opportunity to educate myself on a topic that every other human on the planet already knew – and cared deeply – about. The review I watched, however, left me with very few answers, and even more questions than I had to begin with.
A question, in fact, is exactly how Kairi chooses to begin her review: Is it just me, or is Justin Bieber kissing every girl in Hollywood? I have to admit that I don’t actually know if he’s kissing every girl in Hollywood. I suppose he could be kissing them all – but it just doesn’t seem that likely.
Let’s consider the scenario.
There must be hundreds, even thousands of girls in Hollywood. At least a handful of them are probably in committed relationships, and one or two might not be into kissing dudes with lesbian hair. But even if every girl in Hollywood did want to kiss Justin Bieber, trying to complete such a task seems like a logistical nightmare – would he go door-to-door-to-door like a puckered up, cookie wielding Girl Scout? That could take weeks. Or maybe he’d line them all up in a field and ride past them on a miniature Shetland pony, offering each girl his lips like some sort of soft, supple, prepubescent branding iron.
I’ll admit, that strategy might actually work.
But the point is, I am only guessing. And based on what Kairi says next, it appears I’ve guessed wrong. As she explains: In the last couple months, he was lip-locking with that Jasmine chick from the “Baby” video, and now he’s rented like a whole “Love Boat” just to make out with Selena Gomez.
Two things stand out here. First, Bieber is not kissing “every girl in Hollywood.” He is only kissing two girls. (The Shetland pony will be relieved.) And second, Selena Gomez will make out with you if you rent her The Love Boat. Again, I’m forced to assume here that Kairi was, in fact, referring to the hit ABC sitcom that ran from 1977–86. And since she references the whole Love Boat, please note that Gomez might not make out with you if you only rent her one or two of the seasons.
But that’s where Kairi’s story begins to fall apart.
After an in-depth journalistic investigation (read: one search on Wikipedia), Reviews of Reviews has learned that to date, Paramount has released only two seasons of The Love Boat on DVD. So it is impossible for anyone – even someone of Justin Bieber’s impressive stature (by which I obviously mean “celebrity status,” not “height”) – to rent the whole series.
So here we are, not even 30 seconds into the review, and we’ve already caught Kairi818 red-handed – or to borrow her own quote – “red-lipped” in a lie. Other untruths follow in rapid succession. At the 56-second mark, she decides to switch topics from Selena Gomez to Justin Bieber, telling Gomez I’ll get back to you in a second – but she never gets back to her. At 1:35, she claims that Bieber’s fan base is made up of young girls, in the range of 80 all the way down to 1. Even if 50 is the new 40, Kairi would be hard pressed to convince anyone that some 80-year-old great grandmother should be considered a “young girl.” She ends her review with perhaps the biggest lie of all, promising that if YouTube viewers give her 30 thumbs up, she will record a second part of her review. At press time, she had only received six thumbs up, yet Part 2 was already posted for our viewing pleasure.
But why author such a deliberately misleading review? What is Kairi818’s motive anyway?
Perhaps Kairi is a jilted former girlfriend of Bieber’s looking for revenge. Her spiteful tone throughout the review – seen most clearly as she sneers Oh, Selena? Are you feeling left out? Don’t worry, I’m just getting started – would certainly support such a theory.
Or maybe she’s a puritanical bible thumper who doesn’t believe people should have any kind of physical intimacy outside of marriage. She does seem to adopt this point of view when she reasons: Kissing leads to making out. Making out turns into sin. A LOT OF SIN.
But if she’s so literal in her interpretation of issues of morality, how does one justify her judgment that: at this rate, you’ll make a mistake, and make your own “baby” that you should not have until you’re married. Here, Kairi clearly puts the word “baby” in finger quotes, indicating that it is not an actual baby to which she is referring, but rather some unexplained, figurative baby metaphor.
And if Kairi is actually an angry ex of Bieber’s, what incites her to mount an all-out, out-of-nowhere attack on the world’s most famous golfer? She asks Bieber: Do you want what Tiger Woods has? No wife, loads of kids that nobody knows about, a whole heap of STDs, and a lifetime of loneliness?
Ignoring the fact that Kairi seems to be most offended by the fact that the Woods children have remained largely anonymous, why is she so bitter at Tiger Woods? Did she used to date him as well?
If we assume the answer is “yes” – and that Kairi818 has dated both Justin Bieber and Tiger Woods already – it isn’t that big of a stretch to assume that eventually she’ll find herself on the roof of Grauman’s Chinese Theater, snorting PCP out of a hooker’s armpit with Charlie Sheen.
Which, if you’ll recall, is the exact plot of episode #149 of The Love Boat. Too bad it’s not out on DVD yet, or Kairi818 could have avoided this whole mess.
Andy Ankowski, March 11, 2011
Kick the tires and light the fires, problem officially solved!
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